A House PartyWizarding Style
by Dementors Anonymous
Summary: 16...James and Sirius are left alone in James' house for 48 hours. The horror. The chaos. The bloodshed. The spells gone wrong. The amazing amount of bunny ears. Also featuring Lupin As A Dining Room Chair and a Very Drunk Sirius.
1. False Accusations

A/N: This is a very strange, challenge fic that I am writing with the "help" of two of my friends.  
  
No, really, they've been great. This is in the MWPP era, so have fun!   
  
False Accusations  
  
"James? Sirius? JAMES! SIRIUS! BOYS! GET DOWN HERE!"  
  
James Potter looked at his best friend, Sirius Black. "Damn," he muttered. "Caught  
  
again..." Sirius shook his head, his messy hair flying.   
  
"Let's just...not go down then?" Sirius suggested meekly. James surveyed his friend over  
  
his glasses. Sirius grinned sheepishly as James gave him a severe look. "Well, it was just a  
  
suggestion..."  
  
Both boys winced as Mrs. Potter's voice rang out once more. "BOYS!! GET DOWN  
  
HERE NOW!"   
  
"We are in such deep..." Sirius began, but James cut him off.   
  
"Trouble."  
  
Sirius nodded as though this were exactly what he was going to say. "Right," he said.  
  
Both of them looked at each other and exchanged a knowing look. "Well, let's just get it over  
  
with then..." muttered Sirius.   
  
With a huge CRACK, both boys disappeared simultaneously.  
  
CRACK!   
  
"AHHHHHHH!!!!!"  
  
"Oops...sorry mum...we didn't know you were making pie there..."  
  
James jumped off the counter where he had accidentally Apparated. "Where's Sirius?" he  
  
asked, looking around.   
  
"He didn't come with you, dear?" his mother asked, looking concerned (James thought  
  
that this was mainly for the pie he had just landed in).   
  
"Well, I though he-" James was cut off by a loud knocking on the front door. "What on  
  
earth..." he muttered, walking to the front hall and opening the door. The next moment, he was  
  
breathless with laughter.  
  
Sirius was standing in the doorway, looking positively livid. Twigs were sticking out of his  
  
messy hair, and he had two bloody scratches down his face. The rest of him was covered in spiky  
  
rose bush stems, and a few nettles were sticking out of his shoes. He glared at James.  
  
"That was not funny!" he exclaimed. James was now on his knees, clutching his stomach  
  
in mirth.   
  
"Can you...can you...you should see yourself!" he choked. Sirius looked down at himself,  
  
and a smirk crossed his face before he frowned.  
  
"This bloody hurts..." he commented, with the air of someone commenting on the  
  
weather. James got up, still laughing, and led his friend to the kitchen, where his mother was  
  
waiting.   
  
"SIRIUS!" Mrs. Potter exclaimed, running over. "What happened dear? Oh...my poor  
  
dear...oh you must be so hurt..."   
  
"No...Mrs. Potter...I'm really fine...I just...no, no, stop, I'll be fine..." Sirius feebly tried to  
  
fight off Mrs. Potter, but to no avail. James snickered.  
  
"Don't be silly dear, it won't take a moment." She waved her wand, and all the twigs and  
  
leaves vanished into thin air. "There we go, all better. Now, boys..."  
  
The two boys looked at each other with identical looks of horror. "Y-yes, Mum?" asked  
  
James, in a manner of asking someone what their method of torture would be. But before Mrs.  
  
Potter could answer, Sirius jumped in.  
  
"Mrs. Potter, my distinguished colleague James and I," he began, with a wave in James'  
  
direction. "Have discussed the matter throughly, and would like to present to you a full and  
  
humble apology. We have decided that-"  
  
Mrs. Potter cut him off. "That's nice dear, but in some places, like this house, going away  
  
for a holiday doesn't need an apology! It's a good thing dear. We enjoy ourselves."  
  
"Oh...is that right? Yes...yes of course you do..." said Sirius. "Sorry, bad childhood.," he  
  
muttered under his breath, smirking at James.   
  
"You're going on holiday?" asked James, looking at his mother, confused, as though she  
  
had just sprouted an extra head.  
  
"Er...yes dear...we told you a month ago, then three weeks ago, then last week, then last  
  
night..." she said, looking concerned. "Dear, are you on drugs?"  
  
There was a shocked silence, followed by a quickly stifled snigger from Sirius.  
  
"No, Mum! Why on earth would you think that??" James asked, looking shocked.  
  
"Yes, but, over this summer, you've been a bit..." his mother fished for the right word.  
  
"more...mischievous that usual. You know, it might be just because of Sirius being here, but..."  
  
Sirius stopped laughing. He frowned at James instead. "Yeah, mate, you have been weird  
  
this summer," said Sirius in a very serious manner.  
  
"What???" asked James, looking back and forth between them. "I never...Sirius...you know  
  
I'd never..."  
  
"Well, I dunno, but there was that dare last September about you sneaking..."  
  
"SIRIUS!!! Shhh...."said James hurriedly.   
  
"What dear?" asked Mrs. Potter, looking severe.   
  
"N-nothing mother...well...alright, so the guys and me smoked pot. So what?"  
  
Mrs. Potter fainted.   
  
"Um...Prongs? I think we just killed your mother."  
  
James shrugged. "Don't worry Padfoot, it happens all the time."  
  
"You mean...she dies all the time??" asked Sirius, looking terrified. "You mean...your mom's  
  
a...ZOMBIE???"  
  
James burst out laughing. "Are you high, Padfoot? What kind of pot have you been  
  
smoking??"  
  
Sirius grinned. "Heh. Just kidding," he said laughing. But his laugh was oddly strained,  
  
making James laugh harder. "Hey...shouldn't we...you know...do something? About your mum?"  
  
CRACK!  
  
"Dad!" said James, looking surprised. "Get off Mum!"  
  
Mr. Potter looked slightly bemused. "What James? What about your mother? I seem to be  
  
standing on something rather...dear!" He jumped off of Mrs. Potter, looking shocked. "Dear? Dear?  
  
Can you hear me?" He quickly pulled out his wand, and pointed it at her. "Ennervate!" he muttered.   
  
Mrs. Potter opened her eyes and looked around. "Yes...sorry...James...drugs...dear?"  
  
"WHAT??????" Mr. Potter roared, rounding on James.   
  
"Sorry dad, we were just..."  
  
"IS THIS TRUE?"   
  
"No! Of course not! We were just..."  
  
"FRAZZLING YOUR MOTHER OUT OF HER MIND! NOT AS THOUGH WE DON'T  
  
HAVE ENOUGH TO WORRY ABOUT WITH..."  
  
"DAD! It's fine. We were just winding her up, that's all. Right, Sirius?" asked James with a  
  
pointed look at Sirius.  
  
"Yeah...yeah...course we were." Mr. Potter raised an eyebrow. "No, really," said Sirius  
  
seriously. "We don't do drugs. That would be stupid. Besides, what did you want to tell us?"  
  
"Right," said Mrs. Potter, getting to her feet. "Sorry about that boys. Your father and I are  
  
going to leave right now for Germany. We are going to be back in two days, so be careful, and don't  
  
cause any trouble. This is big responsibility, and we trust you enough to let you take care of  
  
yourselves for two days and a night. But I want it clear," she said, glaring up at the two boys, both  
  
of whom were taller than her. "That if anything happens to this house, you will both be hearing from  
  
me. Understood?"   
  
Both of the boys gulped and nodded. "Yes Ma'am," they mumbled.  
  
"Good," she said, patting James on the shoulder. "See you in two days!"  
  
And with that, she Disapparated. Mr. Potter clapped James on the back. "Have fun boys!" he  
  
said with a huge wink, and then he Disapparated too.  
  
James and Sirius stared at the empty air where the two people had been. There was a silence.  
  
Both looked at each other.  
  
"EXCELLENT!" they exclaimed, high fiving each other and missing.   
  
TO BE CONTINUED...  
  
A/N: Next chapter- James and Sirius plan something that Mrs. Potter might not approve of... 


	2. The Fire Poker

T h e F i r e P o k e r  
  
"Moony? Moony? Remus mate, can you hear us?"  
  
"I dunno Padfoot, are you sure this works?"  
  
"Of course I am you idiot...wait! Here he comes!"  
  
A dirty blonde head appeared in the fire, followed by blue eyes, which were gazing with  
  
interest at James. "James!" Remus Lupin exclaimed, smiling at him. "Padfoot!" he added, seeing  
  
Sirius, who quickly shoved James out of the way to say hello.   
  
"Hey Moony! Listen, can you come over? We're at James' house, and...well...you knew  
  
that." An awkward silence followed this statement. Moony nodded and motioned for him to go  
  
on. "Well...anyway...we're alone for two whole days! I know it's new moon...so couldn't you  
  
come over? Can you Apparate?"  
  
Remus grinned. "Sure! I'll Apparate right now. I mean...actually...I'll have to ask my  
  
parents...but I'm sure they'll say yes!"  
  
James shoved Sirius out of the way, causing Sirius to bump into a nearby table, knocking  
  
the floo powder jar onto his head. "Oops..." commented James, watching, deeply amused, as  
  
Sirius wiped shattered pieces of pot (floo powder pot!) and floo powder off of his face.  
  
"Anyway...come as soon as you can Moony!"  
  
Remus nodded, then James pulled his head out of the fire. He experienced a few moments  
  
of dizziness before his vision righted itself. He then turned to Sirius, who was standing up and  
  
glaring at him. "That was not nice Prongs..." said Sirius, sounding annoyed.   
  
"Yes, well, convincing my mother that I am a druggie was not nice either, Padfoot,"  
  
commented James airily, giving a honey-sweetened smile.   
  
"Yeah Potter, why don't you just shove me into the fireplace while your at it, grab some  
  
floo powder, and yell 'HELL!'"  
  
"Good idea Black, why don't I...." said James, taking a few menacing steps towards  
  
Sirius. Sirius's face went pale.  
  
"Prongs! Prongs! I was joking! Wait...wait...what are you doing with that?" he ended with  
  
a squeak, looking at the fire poker that James had just picked up. James cracked an evil grin, and  
  
began to advance, holding it out in front of him. Sirius backed into the table, and promptly fell  
  
over it. James burst out laughing, looking at his friend lying sprawled on the floor, looking  
  
terrified.   
  
"I thought you had lost it!" exclaimed Sirius, looking stricken. He then glared at James,  
  
got to his feet, and then launched himself at him.   
  
"What're you...OW! Padfoot! Calm down! OUCH! Not the foot! Not the foot! Stop,  
  
stop, I'm sorry I'm sorry!"  
  
Sirius folded his arms like a rebellious four year old. He was currently sitting on James'  
  
back, who's face was pressed deeply in the carpet. James turned his face to the side and spat out a  
  
few hairs from the carpet.  
  
"Damn my mother and her love of shag carpets!" he muttered, spitting out more fluff.  
  
Sirius smirked.   
  
"Apologize," he said stubbornly. "Then I'll get off of you."  
  
"Padfoot..."  
  
"APOLOGIZE!" yelled Sirius, grinning, as he stuck his elbow into James' back. James  
  
sighed. "Oh alright, I...."  
  
But what exactly he was no one would ever find out, because right then there was a loud  
  
CRACK, and Sirius collapsed on top of him.   
  
"Argh...sorry Sirius..." came a voice from somewhere above Sirius. "I can't really aim  
  
with Apparating..."  
  
"S'alright Moony..." said Sirius thickly into James' back.  
  
"Gdahehloffameh!" said James from deep in the carpet.   
  
"Sorry?" asked Remus, sounding puzzled. "Didn't catch that."  
  
"Gedaheloffamehhhhhh....!" said James again.   
  
Remus folded his arms. "I'm not getting off until you tell me!"  
  
Sirius groaned. "James..." he said into James' hair. "Tell 'im!"  
  
There came a muffled crack from the kitchen, which none of the boys noticed, being  
  
slightly preoccupied with trying to buck Remus off.   
  
"Mnycodyoujasgetofameh?" asked James politely.   
  
Remus looked utterly superior. "Ha! I'm not getting off of you until you...er...hello Mrs.  
  
Potter...er...I just...just arrived..."  
  
"Olyhit!" came a voice from under Sirius. Mrs. Potter looked shocked.   
  
"Are you...what are you...JAMES?!?!?"  
  
"Huhimum..." said James. "Disisotutitooksike!"  
  
  
  
A worried Mrs. Potter looked at Remus for help. "What did he say?"  
  
For answer, Remus quickly got off Sirius, who jumped off of James immediately, wiping  
  
off his mouth. James stood up, spitting out some white hairs, and turned to face his utterly  
  
confused and shocked parents.  
  
"Um...hi Mum...dad...." he said weakly. His mother, however, was looking at his right  
  
hand, and was uttering what sounded like a string of small screams.  
  
"What?" asked James, looking down. "Oh my god..."   
  
James was still holding the fire poker. "Oh dear," he muttered.   
  
"James, we need to talk," said his father seriously, ushering him out of the room.  
  
Sirius snickered, and Remus smirked. "Bye bye Jamsie..." commented Sirius under his  
  
breath. On James' way to the door, he socked him. "Ow! Is Jamsie-wamsie in a wot of troubie?"  
  
asked Sirius, grinning like a maniac. James hit him again, then looked pointedly at the fire poker.  
  
Sirius shut up.   
  
James followed his parents out of the room, looking as though he were going off to be  
  
executed. At last, they stopped in the kitchen, and his mother turned to face him.  
  
"James," she said, looking concerned. "I know we haven't always been available, you  
  
know, to talk to you, but you know you can tell us anything, right dear?"  
  
James grimaced. This conversation had barely started and it was already taking a very bad  
  
direction...  
  
"You mother and I were wondering..." said Mr. Potter, looking at his wife, who squeezed  
  
his hand. "If you...if you were...you know...interested in...people other than...girls."  
  
James' mouth fell open. "What?" he asked feebly. If he had been expecting anything, it  
  
wasn't this.   
  
"Well, dear,"said his mother, looking at him seriously. "You always hang out with....you  
  
know...Sirius, and now he's living with us...and we were just curious of if you two...you know..."  
  
James stared. "NO!!!!" he exclaimed, looking stricken. "What...where...how...did  
  
you...I...no!"  
  
"Oh," said his mother, looking thoroughly relieved. "Of course not, dear... We knew all  
  
along that you were straight! We were just curious!"  
  
His father smiled, looking happier. "Well, getting back to business...your mother and I  
  
have decided that we are going to stay an extra day in Germany, so you and Sirius will just have  
  
to deal with staying longer..."  
  
James tried to keep the excitement off of his face. "Yeah, well...isn't getting late?"  
  
"It's...er...ten o'clock in the morning dear..." said Mrs. Potter looking concerned.  
  
"Yes, well, don't want to keep those Germans waiting, do you?" he asked, whisking them  
  
out of the room. "Now, have a nice trip, and don't worry, we'll be fine!" said James. "Bye!"   
  
"Yes, bye dear..." said his mother looking confused. Both of them then disappeared with a  
  
CRACK.  
  
James slumped against the door. "Jesus..." he muttered. Then, Sirius strolled into the  
  
room, taking large steps, shoulders thrown back, nose in the air.   
  
"Oh dah-ling...I just love that color on you!" exclaimed Sirius, throwing his arms around  
  
James' neck. "Why don't we go decorate a big cake? Just for me? Please?" Sirius gave James big  
  
puppy-dog eyes, and batted his eyelashes.   
  
Sirius then leaned forward, eyes closed, lips pursed. James socked him in the mouth.   
  
"JAMES! THAT WAS NOT AT ALL WHAT I EXPECT FROM MY BOY—OW!"  
  
Remus had just jabbed Sirius in the back with the fire poker. "Don't touch me with that  
  
thing!" yelled Sirius, backing into James. "Help me James darling! Help me!"  
  
"You're sick," said James, shoving him in the direction of the fire poker. Sirius screamed.  
  
"NOOOO!!! James!! NOT THE FIRE POKER!!"  
  
James cackled, and high fived Remus. And missed. 


	3. I Never

I N e v e r  
  
"I'm really bored."  
  
"Me too."  
  
"Mmmm..."  
  
Sirius, James, and Remus were all sprawled on different couches in the living room, eyes  
  
closed. Sirius then opened one eye, smirking.   
  
"I have an idea," said Sirius.   
  
James sat bolt upright, staring at him. "If it has anything to do with banana peels and fig  
  
juice..."  
  
"No, no, that's old now."  
  
Remus opened his eyes and raised an eyebrow at the pair of them, looking amused.  
  
"Ohh..", he commented smiling. "Wasn't that the time when that Fawcett girl slapped Sirius  
  
silly?"  
  
Sirius scowled. "That was an accident..." he said stiffly. "I didn't mean to pour fig juice  
  
down her shirt..."  
  
"Sure," said James grinning. "Just like you didn't mean to drop the banana peels right in  
  
front of Fawcett in an attempt to make her fall into your arms..."  
  
Remus' smirk widened. "Yeah, you and Snape both looked pretty shocked when he  
  
walked onto them instead..."  
  
  
  
"ANYWAY..." said Sirius loudly. "How about some Ogden's Old Firewhiskey?"  
  
James stared at him. "No WAY!" he said, sounding impressed. "You nicked some  
  
Firewhiskey?"  
  
  
  
"Sirius..." said Remus, looking severe but grinning all the same.   
  
  
  
"Remus, my Prefected friend, you must learn to enjoy yourself at some point!" said Sirius,  
  
smiling broadly and getting off of is chair. "To quote a famous aunt: 'Life is a banquet, and most  
  
poor suckers are starving to death!'"  
  
Remus cracked up. "You watch MUGGLE musicals???"  
  
Sirius blushed. "Well...they're amusing!" he said defensively.   
  
"And besides," continued Sirius. "I haven't nicked Firewhiskey yet..."  
  
"Oh no, Sirius, you're not going to talk to..."  
  
  
  
"Oh yes I am Jamsie dear!"  
  
"WAIT! NO! MY PARENTS HAVE SOME IN THE CUPBOARD!"  
  
Sirius stuck his head around the door. "Really?" he asked suspiciously.   
  
"Really," said James, looking relieved.   
  
"Oh okay," said Sirius nodding. "But I'll speak with Dung later then."  
  
"Wait! No...don't!" said James weakly, but Sirius was already gone.  
  
James sighed. "Moony, sometimes I wonder what my parents were thinking in letting me  
  
have a juvenile delinquent stay in the house."  
  
"Or a werewolf," said Remus grinning.  
  
"True," said James fairly. "Hmm...having you two as friends makes me look almost  
  
normal!"  
  
"No it doesn't!" said Sirius jovially, strolling back into the room. "Or, do you need some  
  
reminding of how special you are?" Sirius then proceeded to sit on James' lap.   
  
"SIRIUS!" said James, shoving him off. "Cut it out!"  
  
Sirius smirked as he sat down next to James and pulled out a bottle of Ogden's Old  
  
Firewhiskey. James proceeded to scoot away slowly, so as not to attract any attention.  
  
Sirius grabbed him by the arm and pulled him back. He crossed his arms. "Are you saying  
  
I'm fat?" asked Sirius, looking terribly hurt.   
  
"What?" asked James, looking shocked. Remus was howling with laughter on the carpet,  
  
tears spilling out of his eyes.   
  
Sirius ruffled James' hair. "I'm just kidding," he said laughing. "You should have seen  
  
your face though!"  
  
Sirius then proceeded to take out his wand and conjure three shot glasses out of midair.  
  
"Here," he said, grinning. "Let's play 'I Never' with Firewhiskey!"  
  
Remus looked confused. "What's 'I Never'?" he asked.   
  
Sirius gave him an evil grin. "'I Never' is when one of us says something that he's never  
  
done. If you have done that thing, you put up a finger, and take a shot of Firewhiskey. You lose  
  
when all ten fingers are up. Or you win. Depending on what the questions are."  
  
"Sirius always 'wins'," said James grinning. "He's usually out after ten questions!"  
  
Remus gave a nervous laugh.  
  
"Okay, I'll take that as a 'yes'. Let's play!" said Sirius.  
  
Sirius, Remus, and James all sat in a circle on the shag rug, the bottle of Firewhiskey lying   
  
in the center.  
  
"Wait a second...maybe we should move the Firewhiskey bottle," said James. "You know,  
  
just in case my mum and dad come back again..."  
  
Remus looked confused. "What–"  
  
"Never mind," said James quickly.  
  
"Remus, sometimes I wonder how you manage to stay innocent with friends like us," said  
  
Sirius, shaking his head.   
  
"It's the Prefect badge," said Remus nodding. James and Sirius laughed.   
  
"Okay," said Sirius. "I'll start."  
  
Sirius had been thinking for a good two minutes before James interrupted.  
  
"You know, Sirius, I think I'll start."  
  
"Oh, yeah, okay, good idea," said Sirius sheepishly.   
  
James thought for a moment. "I've never...you know...done it."  
  
Sirius stuck up five fingers. "SIRIUS!" exclaimed his two best friends.   
  
Sirius sighed, and then reduced it to two. "Oh alright..." he muttered.   
  
James glared at him, and Sirius finally simply stuck up one. "Sorry," he muttered.   
  
"Bad...images...invading...my...head..." mumbled Remus from inside a pillow.  
  
Sirius grinned, but his one finger remained up, and he took a shot of Firewhiskey.  
  
"Please tell me you were drunk," said Remus, emerging at last from the pink frilly cushion.   
  
  
  
"Well...I'm not sure...I'm pretty sure that I was...conscious at least..."   
  
James snickered. Remus buried his head in the pillow again.  
  
"I've got one!" exclaimed Sirius. "I've never deliberately hurt a teacher."  
  
Remus snorted. James put up a finger.  
  
"Well, okay, so I've never deliberately hurt a teacher that wasn't a complete bastard."  
  
James put down his finger.  
  
"You're turn Remus," said James smirking.  
  
"Yeah, what's yours? 'I've never gotten into trouble in class?'" asked Sirius.  
  
"Actually, I have," said Remus cooly.   
  
"Ah."  
  
"I've never tried to sneak into the Girl's Dormitory at night," said Remus.  
  
James put up a finger. Sirius put up a finger. Sirius rubbed the back of his head in  
  
remembrance. "I've still got the scars..."  
  
"Yeah, well, that's because you tried six times, isn't it?" asked James.  
  
"They were having a pillow fight!" exclaimed Sirius. "What did you expect me to do? Sit  
  
there and listen to all that fiendish glee and giggling?"  
  
Remus shook his head hopelessly. "You two are beyond help, I tell you..."  
  
They both took a shot of Firewhiskey.  
  
Sirius smirked at James, and muttered something in his ear. James grinned.  
  
James then said, as nonchalantly as possible: "I've never been bitten by a werewolf."  
  
Remus gave a squeal of indignation. James pointed at his shot glass. "Drink up Moony,  
  
old friend."   
  
Remus scowled. Sirius was laughing hysterically, watching Remus frowning at the full  
  
glass in front of him. "Moony, Moony, Moony, Moony," chanted Sirius, quickly joined by James.   
  
Remus glared at them, and then, with a look of great apprehension, drank the Firewhiskey.  
  
He immediately coughed and choked, but swallowed all the same. "How do you stand that stuff?"  
  
he sputtered. James winked. "Years of practice, my old friend. Years of practice."  
  
Sirius then took the floor. "I've never tried to fly a broomstick to Mars." He gave James a  
  
pointed look.  
  
"Shoot," muttered James. He put a finger up and downed another shot.   
  
"You did what?" asked Remus, sounding amused. "When?"  
  
"Never mind," muttered James.  
  
"Well..." said Sirius, cracking his knuckles, with the air of someone settling down to tell a  
  
very long story. "It all began on a long winters' night, much like the one we will be having..."  
  
James gave a loud cough.  
  
"Oh, okay, so it was midafternoon on a nice spring day, but it sounded better to start a  
  
story the other way. I mean, when you think about the impact the opening sentence might have on  
  
the listeners' view of the entire-"  
  
"Sirius?" said Remus.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Shut up."  
  
"Right. Well, anyway, so it was the Quidditch Cup Final three years ago- it was a full  
  
moon Moony, you were occupied- and it was a fierce match between Gryffindor and Slytherin.  
  
The teams had been playing for eight hours already. James had already lost the Snitch at least  
  
seven times, and was just generally stinking royally-"  
  
James made an indignant noise. "Sirius!" he spluttered. Remus snickered. Sirius shrugged.  
  
"Oh come on, you hadn't had enough sleep the night before, we were trying to get up into the  
  
Girl's Dormitory, remember? You were fit to be tied!"  
  
Sirius cleared his throat and continued. "Anyway, so James was really, really tired, and I  
  
could tell, being beating off bludgers from hitting him. He wasn't even swerving away from them!  
  
So, he finally spotted the snitch (this is at around eight o'clock, mind you), and started zooming  
  
towards it. It kept going higher and higher into the sky, and then darted away to the left. However  
  
James did not swerve to the left. He just kept climbing to higher altitudes. He told me later that he  
  
thought Mars was the snitch, twinkling just of reach. Eventually, he ran out of air, and fell of his  
  
broomstick. That," Sirius finished with flourish. "was the only Quidditch match we ever lost."  
  
"Now," said James, after glaring at Sirius. "Your turn Remus!"  
  
"Well..." said Remus, looking thoughtful. "I've never thrown a house party when my  
  
parents weren't home."  
  
James and Sirius looked at Remus for a moment, then at each other. No fingers went up,  
  
they just grinned at each other like maniacs.  
  
"Oh NO...no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no!!!" exclaimed Remus. "NO!"  
  
"EXCELLENT!" yelled Sirius and James, high-fiving (and missing).  
  
"Holy hell," said Remus, burying his face back into his frilly pink pillow. 


	4. The Plan

T h e P l a n  
  
"Well, we'll need beer."  
  
"SIRIUS!"  
  
"Remus, grow up."  
  
  
  
"Lots of beer," added James, writing it down on the notepad. Sirius looked over his  
  
friend's shoulder, looking deeply amused.   
  
"I love Lily?" he read aloud, looking at the corner. James blushed.  
  
"Lily...Lily Joselsnats. She's my dad's favorite singer..." said James lamely.  
  
"Evans," coughed Remus loudly.  
  
James opened his mouth, but Sirius cut him off.  
  
"If your question is going to be 'Am I really that big of an obvious prat', then the answer  
  
is a resounding yes."  
  
"Shut it Sirius."  
  
"See? You just backed my point."  
  
"Will you both just shut it!" exclaimed Remus.  
  
"Oh alright, back to the list," said James.  
  
"Wait...no...actually, arguing was quite nice," said Remus.  
  
Sirius shook his head. "Remus, have you ever had an alcoholic beverage in your life?"  
  
"Not until tonight, no."  
  
Sirius' eyes widened. "No way! Even Peter's had beer!"  
  
"Yeah, well, Peter's probably going to end up in Azkaban for selling secrets to an enemy  
  
while asking for punch..." commented James.  
  
Sirius laughed. "I'd like some punch," he intoned in a high, squeaky voice. "And while I'm  
  
at it, I think I'll gossip about the movement of troops and where we plan to hit you next!"  
  
"Sirius, James..." said Remus severely.  
  
James interrupted loudly. "BACK TO THE LIST!" he said. They looked down at what  
  
they had written.  
  
LIST:   
  
ITEMS FOR HOUSE PARTY  
  
1. Beer  
  
2. Beer  
  
3. Beer  
  
4. Vodka  
  
5. Firewhisky  
  
6. Rum  
  
7. Beer  
  
8. Punch  
  
9. Butterbeer  
  
10. Beer.  
  
"Prongs...was your mind elsewhere?" commented Remus, looking amused. James looked  
  
down at his list.  
  
"Oh. Yes, probably, it was..."  
  
Remus shook his head, muttering something along the lines of 'lovestruck teens should  
  
not be allowed to write important lists...'.  
  
"Where are we going to get all of this stuff?" James asked, looking down at the extensive  
  
list.  
  
"Well technically," said Remus, examining the list. "We only need six items."  
  
Everyone stared at him. "What?"  
  
"Six items. You listed beer five times."  
  
"Yes! Exactly! We need loads of beer!" exclaimed Sirius.  
  
Everyone sat in silence for a moment. James then voiced what they all were thinking.  
  
"Where are we going to find beer and vodka and Firewhisky and-"  
  
"DUNG!" yelled Sirius  
  
"You eat dung? Wow Padfoot, I knew your childhood was bad, but..."  
  
"No, no, not that dung...Dung! Fletcher!"  
  
There was a collective Ooooohhhhh...., and Sirius sighed. "I'll go contact him now," said  
  
Sirius, bounding out of the room. James shook his head.  
  
"It just had to be Dung didn't it? Dung this...Dung that..." James then proceeded to go  
  
into a very long rant under his breath about Mundungus Fletcher, most of which was very rude  
  
and involved trees. Remus raised an eyebrow.  
  
"I doubt your mother would like to hear you saying that James..." commented Remus.  
  
"Oh come on," said James irritably. "It's not like you don't!"  
  
Remus looked indignant, but stayed silent. James sighed. "Sorry Moony...I didn't mean it.  
  
I guess...I dunno. Let's make a guest list."  
  
Remus nodded, looking happier. He pulled out a quill and parchment from one of the  
  
drawers in the kitchen, and sat down on a stool, quill poised. James looked thoughtfully at the  
  
ceiling.  
  
"Well, we'll need Molly and Arthur, of course," said James.   
  
"And Amos...and Dung..." said Sirius, coming back in.  
  
An hour later, they were done, with a guest list of around 50 people. "Now," said Sirius,  
  
rolling up his sleeves. "Let's charm it."  
  
James looked dubious. "Sirius, are you sure? You had quite a lot of Firewhisky...or at  
  
least...the bottle's done now, and I didn't have any..."  
  
Sirius nodded. "Yep," he said. "I'm all good." He hiccupped, and his wand gave a burst of  
  
red sparks. "Oops," he said laughing. He swished his wand, then tapped the paper twice,  
  
muttering: "Praemittebis!"  
  
The parchment rolled up of it's own accord, then vanished in a plume of green smoke.   
  
"Um...Sirius? Are you sure that it was...supposed...to do that?" asked Remus, blinking  
  
through the emerald smoke.   
  
"Yes!" said Sirius in a confident voice that fooled no one. "Of course I am! Green! Always  
  
green! Even if when Flitwick did it it was...we're doomed."  
  
"Oh dear. You did something wrong. The world is ending," snorted Remus. "Come on,  
  
what's the worst that could happen?"  
  
James looked at Sirius. "Yeah!" he said cheerfully. "What's the worst that could happen?"  
  
Sirius looked at them. "Er...maybe that I just sent invitations to all the fifth, sixth, and  
  
seventh years in the school?"  
  
There was a silence.  
  
"That might take the cake," said Remus.   
  
James nodded.  
  
Sirius groaned. "I'm serious, I just did!"  
  
"We know," said Remus.  
  
"And we're not laughing, either," said James.   
  
"So...er...how many people d'you suppose that is?" asked Sirius.  
  
Remus did the math. "Er...120 at the very least."  
  
"And...er...James?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"How many people can this house hold?"  
  
"200?"  
  
"Thank god."  
  
"That is, of course, if we're all stacked on top of each other like sardines and twisted in  
  
strange acrobatic positions that the human body usually can't manage," added James.   
  
"Jesus," began Sirius.  
  
"And if there's no furniture."  
  
"Holy-"  
  
Remus cut him off. "What about the supplies?" he asked loudly.   
  
"Dung's getting loads of everything."  
  
"'Loads'?"  
  
"Er...yeah."  
  
There was a very loud rumbling noise from the front yard.  
  
"LOADS?"  
  
"No, I don't think...I mean...oh shit."  
  
Sirius had just looked out the window. There were two huge trucks coming up the  
  
driveway, both full to the brim with beer. Someone with bright ginger hair was waving from the  
  
first, and the other was being driven by...no one.   
  
"We. Are. Screwed." said James.  
  
"Yep," said Remus optimistically. "That we are." 


	5. The Punchbowl

AN: If you read the previous Chapie 5 it was wrong!!! Dementor Em wrote the first part and posted without consulting Dementor Phon-x and Dementor Kay. Kay an Phon-x were greatly disturbed by this sudden change of events but proceeded to completely forgive Ems (We Love Ya Honey!!). Phon-x and Kay Made their revisons and now. . . . .*drum roll* we have the finished Chappie 5 compleat with: A inattentive punch bowl, Kleptomaniac Acholic Alumi, Zombies, and lots of Fainting. Plue everyone's favoriat Firepoker makes a comeback.  
  
*just read this as though there wasn't a pre posted chappie.   
  
The Punchbowl   
  
  
  
"Dung! How are you, mate?" said Sirius as he came out of the house smiling broadly at the two trucks (using the term very, very, very loosely) parked out front of the Potters house.  
  
Mundungus Fletcher, or Dung as he was affectionately called, was about two feet shorter than Sirius, always smelled distinctly of whiskey and cigarette smoke, and never took off his coat. Sirius had once asked whether he ever washed it, to which Dung had replied that he couldn't remember. None of the Marauders had touched him since.   
  
"Not bad Sirius, not bad." Dung's voice was slurred, smelled strongly of beer, and he looked as though he was trying to decide whether it was Sirius or a donkey he was squinting at. Sirius raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms.  
  
"Been at the gin again, have you?" Sirius asked, sounding bemused.  
  
"Wha?" asked Dung stupidly, staring up at Sirius. "Dunno what the 'ell your talk'n bout Serius"  
  
"Oh come on, Dung! Everyone knows that besides being a barking mad kleptomaniac, (Here Sirius eyed Dung's over-lumpy coat) you are also desperately addicted to alcohol!" Sirius laughed his bark-like laugh. "I've never known a person over twenty who could down a whole bottle of whiskey in under a minute and is not either dead or in the Crazy Ward of St. Mungos."  
  
Dung had the grace to look embarrassed. "Well..." he muttered, looking at his feet. "Just coz I can't seem to...well...to get on without a spot a'whiskey once a day, doesn't mean you can tease me about it! Ya 'ave no right!"  
  
"Of course I have the right to!" roared Sirius with authority. "Putting aside the fact you are older than me, Let's look at the statistics, shall we?" He straightened up and held up a finger. "One- I am close to six feet tall. You are four foot eleven." Dung squinted up at Sirius as though sizing him up, then decided better of it and nodded. "Two- I am much more handsome than you. While you resemble something of a mix between a bloodhound and a stoned Chihuahua, I resemble a glorious, shining black mastiff, prepared for anything, ready at any moment to–"  
  
"Pose for girls?" suggested James, who had just come outside with Remus to look at the supplies and have some fun taunting Dung.   
  
"Er...that was not what I had in mind, but now that you mention it..."  
  
Remus snorted loudly. Sirius turned to him, and grinned broadly. James shook his head. Dung looked between the three and cleared his throat loudly. "Um...so...this'll be the lot, then Sirius?" he asked, clearly uncomfortable at not understanding the joke.   
  
Sirius peered over Dung's straggly hair at the contents of the truck. He noticed that the one of the trucks seemed to have been used for some kind of Muggle Juice company. Sirius shook his head, imagining the frenzy the Muggles would be in right now looking for the two juice trucks, (from his very limited experience with Muggles, he thought they seemed somehow very attached to their Juice Trucks).  
  
Sirius walked around to the back of one of the trucks and opened the doors. Instead of piles upon piles of Juice, there were piles upon piles of beer, and at least five different brands of fire whiskey in the trucks. He looked at Dung.  
  
"Where's the Vodka?" he shouted. "And rum? And punch? And Butterbeer for those insane people who don't want to get drunk! WHERE DID YOU PUT IT!!!"   
  
Sirius was now shaking Dung madly and screaming.  
  
Dung had a look of concern mixed with complete and utter terror on his face. " Didja check the other truck?"  
  
"Oh, Um . . I was just about to." said Sirius, instantly dropping Dung and walking over to the other trunk which he peered inside to find mountains upon mountains of butterbeer and punch.  
  
Sirius gave a sigh and turned around. "Hand it over Dung."  
  
Both Sirius and Dung were completely oblivious to Remus and James were sitting on the front porch eating a conjured popcorn and greatly enjoying the show.  
  
" 'and what over?" asked Dung, his eyes darting around the , searching for a hole in James' front yard to escape through.  
  
He seemed not to realize that by driving the truck into the Potters' yard, he had managed to make a more than adequate hole, not only though the yard but into the dinning room at well, and judging from the fact that a full sized army could now march through it, it was obviously a very, very large hole.  
  
James seemed to have finally noticed this slight detail and dropping his popcorn (which got a very loud shot from Remus) however, as he proceeded to faint dead away on the ground. Remus looked down at his fallen friend and decided the would much rather see what Sirius was going to do to Dung than what James would say if he woke up. Sirius turned his attention away to finish dealing with Dung.  
  
"Okay, okay..." Sirius huffed, folding his arms. "ANYWAY!" he shouted, turning on Dung. "As I was saying..." His face turned severe. "Hand it over."   
  
Dung didn't move. " 'and what over?"  
  
Sirius pulled out his wand, causing Dung to flinch. James made an involuntary movement from his position on the driveway. Sirius pointed it down at Dung, and glared menacingly. "I said, hand it over," he growled. Dung shuddered.  
  
"Well, I didn't mean anything by it, Sirius...I just wanted a little. . .ya know..."  
  
"GIVE IT HERE, DAMN YOU!" Sirius roared. Dung gave a squeak, and began to run in the opposite direction, his arms above his head. As he ran Sirius shouted 'Impedimenta' and, as Dung was thrown 10 feet backwards and feel to the ground which knocked him out, around 30 bottles of rum, came falling out of all his pockets.  
  
Sirius summoned all the bottles of rum into the first of the Juice Trucks, turned and bowed.   
  
Remus applauded. "That was great" he said, still clapping, "I think now we need to revive our knock downed partner in crime,  
  
"Er...right"said Sirius, looking around. Remus bent over James, pulled out his wand, and murmured, 'Ennervate'.  
  
James' eyes snapped open, and he jumped up and punched the nearest thing to him, which happened to be Remus' jaw. Remus fell over as James shouted at the top of his lungs, "MY MOTHER IS GOING TO KILL ME! AGAIN! AND AGAIN! AND AGAIN! AND—"  
  
James would have continued along this vein for quite some time if Remus hadn't then sat up and punched him squarely in the jaw. James glared at him. "What was that for?" he asked angrily, suddenly calm.  
  
"Payback," said Remus smiling and massaging his own jaw. James shrugged, then turned back to Sirius. "What's going on? The last thing I remember was you and Dung fighting and then. . ."  
  
"Oh, I was talking to Dung," said Sirius "and then I think you noticed..."  
  
Remus was making wild movements with his arms, signaling Sirius to stop. Sirius looked puzzled for a moment, then continued.   
  
"Stop that Moony! Then I think you noticed the big hole that Dung just made in your mothers' hedge and into the dinning room wall," finished Sirius with flourish, gesturing to the hole.   
  
James eyes grew big, he glance at the remainder of the hedge and wall though which you could clearly see the dinning room, and fainted.  
  
"Sirius! You. Are. An. Idiot." exclaimed Remus, glaring at him and shaking his head.  
  
"What? No I'm not!" said Sirius. Remus rolled his eyes and snorted. "What'd I do?" He glanced down at James, and understanding came into his eyes. "Ah."  
  
Remus rolled his eyes again. "What should we do with him?" he asked, looking down at James.   
  
"Er...Just leave him there."  
  
Remus raised an eyebrow.   
  
"Well,"said Sirius reasonably. "He would just knock one of us out again in his frenzy of talking about how his mother is going to kill him again and again...wait..." Sirius' eyes widened. "They are zombies! I knew something was up when he said that she died before! And now, did you hear what he–"  
  
"Padfoot?"  
  
"Yes Moony?"  
  
"Shut up"   
  
"But zombies are important!"  
  
"SIRIUS!"   
  
" Right, well, zombies may not be very important to you, but dead people walking around is WRONG! Especially since these dead people seem to have a fondness for PERMANENTLY killing those around them!! AND!! Since I'm now living with a family of zombies! Do you know what that means!! It means that they are going to EAT me, possibly even make a boat out of my skin!!! I will not let them make a boat out of my skin, goddamnit!! If they try to –"  
  
"Er...Padfoot?"   
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"James' family are not Zombies. Now, to the realistic matter of concern, how are we going to get all of this" he gestured toward the two trucks, and the unconscious Mundungus Flecter and James Potter, " inside?"  
  
Sirius looked at the trucks and people, and then at the small two story house in front of them,"That might prove to be a problem," he agreed.  
  
"I think we should get Prongs inside first," said Remus, looking with concern at his other friend, who was now shrieking hysterically about his mothers favorite wall and hedge.  
  
Sirius smirked. "Can I get a picture first?" he asked, a mischievous glint in his eye.   
  
"Only if I can get a picture of you with the fire poker," said Remus smoothly. Sirius squeaked. Remus laughed, and then motioned Sirius (still speechless) over to James. Sirius pointed at the hedge. James fainted.   
  
Remus and Sirius then carried James back into the house. They put James down on the rug in the living room, and then sat on the couch facing him. "Prongs?" said Remus loudly. James shot up, yelling something incomprehensible.   
  
Sirius leaned forward, grabbed his shoulders and shook him, "James, mate, get a hold of yourself!"   
  
James stopped shouting, and glared at Sirius. Sirius glared back. James leered at Sirius. Sirius leered back. James scowled at Sirius. Sirius scowled back  
  
"SO!" interrupted Remus loudly. Both boys turned. "We need to get this house ready for 120 people that are coming in..." He checked his watch. "Approximately two hours. We've got the supplies, now where are we going to put them?"  
  
"My mum's got a punch bowl!" exclaimed James from where he sat on the floor.   
  
"Accio Punchbowl!"   
  
There was a tremendous crash from the kitchen. "Well, she used to have a punchbowl, now she hasn't" said James meekly.   
  
Remus rolled his eyes, got up and disappeared into the kitchen for a few moments. They heard some crunching on glass, a muttered spell, and then footsteps as he returned with the punch bowl, fully mended.  
  
"Wow!" said Sirius. "That was like magic!" he paused for a moment, and then grinned sheepishly "Oh yeah–"  
  
Remus burst out laughing. "Too...much...firewhiskey..." he managed to choke out. Sirius looked offended.   
  
"I only had the two sips during 'I never'" Remus looked doubtful "Right! Accio Punchbowl!" said Sirius. The punchbowl flew into his arms, knocking the wind out of him and causing him to pitch backwards over the couch. James sniggered.   
  
"Good job Padfoot."  
  
Sirius got himself up, muttering something about evil punch bowls out to rule the world. He then placed the punchbowl ceremoniously on the coffee table. In front of him  
  
"Okie Dokie, that's done," he said with relief.   
  
" 'Okie Dokie' ", said James in disbelief.  
  
"Oh, that was good," said Remus with sarcasm. "We finally managed to get the punchbowl on the table. Great going guys! This Party will be set up in no time at all. "  
  
James gave him a look. Remus shrugged.   
  
"We need a motivational speech," decided Sirius.   
  
James, you are good at this sort of thing" said Remus. "Why don't you give us a speech to boost our morale?"  
  
James cleared this throat. "Friends, Punchbowls, Firepokers, lend me your ears! Wait no–" James grinned. "Lend me your beers!" There was a roar of approval. James bowed.   
  
"Is that it?" asked Sirius.  
  
James nodded. "It was rather good, wasn't it? he asked.   
  
It was okay, except for the f-word in the beginning," said Sirius.   
  
"Excuse me, what?" James asked, looking shocked.   
  
"You know, the f-i-r-e word?"  
  
"What, firepoker?"   
  
Sirius squeaked and hid behind the couch. "It's watching me!" he whispered, looking at the fireplace.   
  
James shook his head, and turned to Remus. "Well, did you think it was a good motivational speech?"  
  
"Mmm..."said Remus. "The punchbowl looked a bit bored, but then again you can't please everyone..."  
  
"At least the firepoker was attentive," said James, looking a bit put out by the fact that a crystal bowl hadn't been hanging on to his every word. "Did you see it standing there, all its attention on me?"  
  
Sirius' eyes went very wide from behind the couch. He then shook himself and strode out into the middle of the room, stopping next to James.   
  
Sirius leaned in towards James, until they were an inch apart. James looked acutely uncomfortable.  
  
"Y-yes Padfoot?" he asked nervously.   
  
"Hedge," whispered Sirius.  
  
James fainted. Sirius laughed hysterically, looking at his unconscious friend. He didn't even notice Remus until he was right behind him.   
  
"Moony, wasn't that-" Sirius stopped dead. Remus was holding the firepoker out in front of him, and it was a centimeter away from Sirius' stomach. Sirius sucked in his stomach.   
  
"Moony...buddy...you wouldn't," he squeaked in a voice two octaves higher than usual. "Would you?" He looked at Remus with wide eyes. Remus poked him in the stomach. Sirius fainted right on top of James.   
  
Remus stood in the middle of the living room, brandished the firepoker at the punchbowl, and cackled.   
  
  
  
Post AN: Dementor Em wrote most of this so I want to give a special thanks to her (don't kill me please please please please *cowers under a banana*). I know you all loved this chapter and you want to show us sooooo review!! Much love from all the Dementors! 


	6. Ants go squish

Chapter Six: Preparations  
  
"Hey look guys, I squished an ant!"  
  
"That's nice James."  
  
"Hang on...wait....there you go! Look at it! All its little legs are squished in all different directions!"  
  
"That's nice James," said Sirius again, completely ignoring him.  
  
James waved it in front of Sirius' face. "Antie...antie...dead little antie..." he sang with morbid glee.  
  
"JAMES!" exclaimed Sirius, jumping back several feet. "You didn't have to peel it off your foot!!!"  
  
"It goes squish squish!" yelled James, dancing around in circles.  
  
"Whoa...how much butterbeer have you had?" asked Remus from the couch, where he was attempting to open five butterbeers with one charm.  
  
"The question, my dear Moony," said Sirius wisely, turning and extending his hand in wisdom. "Is how much butterbeer he has not had."  
  
"God, this party is going to su–" began Remus, shaking his head.  
  
"WHAT?" exclaimed James, whipping around.  
  
"–per! Super!" said Remus with a big smile. "It's going to be amazing! Swell! Nifty! Groovy!"  
  
"My parents once said that in front of me. I was scarred for life," commented James, taking a seat on the floor in front of them.  
  
"What, 'It's going to be amazing?'" asked Remus.  
  
"No," said James. "Nifty!"  
  
"Nifty actually has an interesting etymology, if you think about it," said Sirius thoughtfully. I mean who would of thought that the words Niffler and tea could go together? Which intelligent wizard would..."  
  
"ANYWAY!" said Remus loudly. "While you were squishing that ant ('SQUELCH!') did you actually manage to move the couch?"  
  
James stopped doing a ritual dance around the coffee table and looked quizzically at Remus, who was holding his wand in one hand and a book in the other. "What couch?"  
  
Sirius gave a long suffering sigh. "The couch you were supposed to be moving right now!" He glared at James and raised an eyebrow. "So we can have a dance floor?? Remember?"  
  
James looked at him blankly.  
  
" The PARTY?" asked Sirius loudly. A look of dawning comprehension crossed James' face.  
  
"Ah. Yes. About that. You see, while I was laboring away at this...um...strenuous task...my mind began to wander onto other things," James said.   
  
"James?" said Remus. "You. Have. A. Wand."   
  
Sirius raised an eyebrow at Remus. "Thank you for that enlightening piece of information..."  
  
James snickered. "So...while I was...er...sitting there...my mind was wandering onto such things as Lil- I mean...er..." James's eyes flicked around the room. "What we're going to do about neighbors!" he said triumphantly.  
  
There was a silence.  
  
"NEIGHBORS? You have neighbors?" shrieked Sirius, sitting down abruptly.  
  
"Of course!" said James. "You do realize that we live right next door to a Muggle family?"  
  
Sirius blanched. "I think we've overlooked that."  
  
Remus studied James for a moment. "Well," he said reasonably. They won't be home until around 3 in the afternoon, will they? I mean, Muggle schools aren't on holiday yet."  
  
Sirius looked at him. "How the hell did you know that?"   
  
Remus shrugged. "I live near a Muggle family too. I usually watch them out my window when things get slow. They have very interesting lifestyles, Muggles. I mean, just from my Muggle Studies class, I would have never known that-"  
  
"Remus?" said Sirius.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"No. One. Cares."  
  
Remus looked highly offended.  
  
James sighed. "Yes, they are all very nice when they're at school, but what about when they get home? What about the party? I doubt they will have conveniently moved to Estonia."  
  
"Whatever," said Sirius. "We'll deal that when the situation arises. Now, let's continue with the preparations!!"  
  
"Continue?" asked Remus pointedly. "I didn't see you doing anything to help."  
  
"I prefer to see the glass half-full," said Sirius scathingly.   
  
"I don't seem to remember saying it was half-empty," said Remus, scowling menacingly.  
  
"ANYWAY," said James again. "Either way you don't get lemonade, so can we continue?"  
  
"Hey look," commented Remus, scanning the page he was reading in the book. "How to Set Up a Wizarding Party At Your Friends House in a Muggle Neighborhood in Less than an Hour when 800 Students From Hogwarts are Coming Over!"  
  
James and Sirius exchanged a look and then bounded onto the couch. "Where did you get that?" exclaimed Sirius.  
  
"Oh, I've had it all the time," said Remus breezily.  
  
James' face clouded over.   
  
"I mean, I just noticed this now, of course!" said Remus, his voice an octave higher than usual.  
  
"Did you really?" asked James, his hand twitching.  
  
"Okay, okay, I'm really sorry, now let's get down to business," said Remus, eyeing James' twitching hand.  
  
"Hey," said Sirius, scanning the page. "Look! A spell for putting the furniture on the ceiling! That would save us some time!"  
  
He stood up, teetered for a moment, and promptly sat back down on the rug. Sirius giggled. Remus started to stand up to stop him from doing anything, but it was too late. Sirius had brandished his wand at the furniture. James made a sudden move with his arm, but... "Cingere Super" exclaimed Sirius, still giggling.   
  
The furniture all began to levitate, and Remus teetered on the edge of the couch before sitting back down on it. Both Remus and James peered down at the rapidly retreating ground, and then looked at each other.   
  
"Is it going to be...this way up?" squeaked James.  
  
His question was answered a second later, as the couch and every other piece of furniture flipped upside down, emptying all contents onto the floor below that wasn't attatched...including two sixteen-year-olds.   
  
James landed hard on his arse, his head then fell back onto the floor. A few seconds later he regained consciousness, only to see the punchbowl two feet above his head, and falling at a highly disturbing rate.  
  
"Oh look," said James. "Gravity works."  
  
Remus, meanwhile, had landed on his back. The book hit him squarely in the eye and he fell back with his eyes closed. "I'm going to kill him" he mumbled  
  
Sirius had remained unharmed, as he was sitting on the floor at the time of this event. He was currently laughing as James' secret stash of magazines fell to the floor around him. Then, he felt something graze his cheek. He glanced to his right, and immediately stopped laughing. The firepoker was vibrating, point down, right next to his right thigh, imbedded deep in the shag carpet. It was emitting a high pitched note of vibration, and Sirius began to hyperventilate.  
  
"R-Remus? Was that you?" Sirius stuttered, looking up. "O-oh...that's what happened." He began to laugh hysterically, his eyes wide, staring at the upside down fireplace. He then passed out cold on the floor.  
  
Remus got up, and looked around at the two unconscious boys. He began to smile a very evil grin...  
  
–20 minutes later–  
  
James slowly began to come back to reality, sweating and very, very uncomfortable. He tried to move to rub his eyes...then realized that his hands were tied behind his back. He found, to his surprise, that he was sitting on a slab of granite (or at least...he though it was granite...) and his arms were tied to something. He craned his neck around, and saw that it was Sirius. The walls had strange occult signs on them, and the shadows flickered across them, making them seem to move. Black candles were placed in a circle around the granite slab, flickering menacingly.  
  
"Sirius? You awake?" whispered James. There was no reply. "Sirius" he said a bit louder after about a minuet of silence he yelled "SIRIUS BLACK WAKE UP!!"   
  
Sirius's head quickly shot up and he looked around.  
  
"James? Is this a joke?"  
  
"I don't know. I've seen those signs before though. They were in the screaming book in the restricted section. Something about sacrifices..." said James quietly trying to remember. Sirius felt him twitch. "Holy shit," said James.  
  
"You read my mind Prongs," said Sirius, gulping.  
  
At that moment a hooded figure walked into the room holding a knife. He knelt before them, holding the knife in front of him, his hood obscuring his face. He then began to speak in a low voice that sent shivers up the boys' spines. "My the Gods of Hell take these sacrifices and use them as you see fit in your holy land of Hell. I worship you oh great father Satan..."  
  
The figure then lifted up the knife and shrieked "IIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"  
  
James and Sirius screamed as loud as they possibly could, kicking each other in the shins, each trying to pull in a different direction. They screamed and screamed, eyes popping and shaking. The lights went back on, the black hooded figure pulled off his cloak, and there was Remus, standing with his plastic knife. Remus' laughter joined their screams, and somewhere in London a woman picked up her phone and dialed...9...9...9.... 


	7. Less than an Hour Later

Chapter Seven  
  
Less than an Hour Later  
  
An amusing incident (in which Remus ended up wrapped in Christmas lights like a mummy), three attempts at petty larceny, one near homicide, and five rolls of duct tape later, the house was ready for what promised to be the biggest and best party Hogwarts had ever seen. The only thing missing was....  
  
"My trousers! My trousers! Where are my trousers?"  
  
Sirius was running around the room he and James shared frantically, pulling his hair. He was dressed in a Hawaiian shirt with topless hula dancers on it, a pair of crimson silk boxers that had "Catch My Snitch!" embroidered on them, and black cowboy boots.  
  
James walked in just in time to see Sirius gesture towards his nether regions. "They were right here!" Sirius exclaimed in anguish.   
  
For the first time in his Hogwarts career, James Potter had nothing to say. He just stared blankly at Sirius. "Please don't tell me you've lost what I think you've lost," he said, averting his eyes.  
  
"Yes!!" Sirius exclaimed mournfully. "It's true! My trousers are gone!"  
  
James expelled a breath. "I'm sure you'll find something!" he said hurriedly, running out of the room.  
  
Remus was downstairs, sitting on the empty floor, immersed in Kafka's Metamorphosis. He saw a movement in the corner of his eye, and, correctly assuming it was James, shared his newfound insight. "I know this is supposed to be a deep book and all, but this is a really good idea! I mean, how else can you deal with your enemies, except by turning them into a giant bug?"  
  
James walked over and sat down next to Remus. "Squish," he said in a monotone.  
  
"Where's Padfoot?" asked Remus, looking around. "I wouldn't expect him to miss something like this," he said, leaning over and turning on the music. "People should be arriving any second..."  
  
As if this was the sign, there was a deafening CRACK and one hundred twenty-seven and a half people Apparated into James' living room. This was instantly followed by a shrill scream from upstairs.  
  
"Ah," said James nonchalantly, still sitting on the floor. "People must have Apparated into Sirius' room."  
  
"Shall we help?" asked Remus, still slightly shocked by the sudden appearance of the guests.   
  
They heard a loud bark, a very girlish scream, and a door slam.  
  
"Under no circumstances," said James, thinking about the last two hours.   
  
They got up and looked around, Remus dropping his book onto the floor. He looked at James. "Shall we mingle?"  
  
"Naturally my dear Moony!" he said, as he walked towards a large group of giggling girls.  
  
Remus saluted, then sighed and dropped his arm, mumbling something about the immaturity of his age group. He then headed outside, where the left over hippies were congregating around a large purple fire, toasting marshmallows, and singing folk songs. It had just started to snow (whether or not it was meant snow is still a mystery).  
  
A few minutes later, a hush fell over the party downstairs. There was a voice that resounded downstairs and outside, and sounded suspiciously like Mr. Moviefone. "Ladies and Gentlemen (but especially the Ladies), for your viewing pleasure, Sirius Black will now....walk down the stairs. Please refrain from touching him until he has reached the ground and refreshed himself with a nice cold martini (shaken, not stirred)." There was a silence, and then every single person in the house got as close to the stairs as was humanly possible...which was sometimes more than 20 feet away. James and Remus Apparated to the front of the crowd, looking ready to kill.  
  
"His pride's going to land him trouble one day," said Remus angrily.   
  
"He just doesn't know when to quit, does he?" asked James, his teeth gritted.  
  
But words utterly failed them as Sirius slid to the top of the stairs in his socks (catching himself before he could take a would-be embarrassing fall). He lowered his huge round sunglasses, winking at a few girls in the process. He took a step down the stairs, causing half the girls in the crowd to faint.   
  
James opened his mouth, closed it, gulped, and asked Remus, "Is he wearing my...my...Bermuda shorts???"  
  
Remus just stared and nodded.   
  
Sirius was now halfway down the stairs. He paused for a dramatic effect, his arms out, slowly turning in slow circles. When his back was facing the audience, he paused for effect again, then spun around with a winning smile on his face...only to fall down the rest of the stairs, uttering effective, if brief, profanity. He ended up as a crumpled ball at Remus' feet.   
  
"Hey look," said Remus. "Trip charms really do work."  
  
Sirius grinned menacingly at Remus before leaping to his feet, raising his arms in victory. "I'm okay!" he cried, shaking his fists above his head. "I'm okay!" The audience burst into enthusiastic cries of delight, and then all surged forward. The music began again, and the partying continued. 


End file.
